Recently I was asked…so who are you? Me…the real me. Not the yoga teacher or the daughter. Not the fun friend or the supportive shoulder. Me. The who I am when I am alone with myself.
Now there’s a question. Through the day I may ask myself what do I want? Where am I going? Is this the right thing for me to be doing?
However without knowing me; who I am then how can I determine what I need or if that’s the right thing for me!
So I ask myself ‘who am I?’
I am the hero on my personal journey. The introvert who loves a good book, the scholar who indulges herself in learning more often than in alcohol. Me…I like to be in control,not to give the control to others. I am often looking to control myself (probably partly why I don’t drink) yet also trying to learn to let go.
I am learning (slowly…as my mother kindly only told me at age 27 was how I’d always learnt…slowly & carefully) to be vulnerable. To put my faith in others; to fear less & to love more. I am learning on many levels to fear less. I often found fear in fatigue and in loneliness so now i try to ensure i am neither. I am learning to not to fear what I may find when I study myself but to accept me in all my intricacies & contradictions. If we can’t learn who we are & to love ourselves how can we expect others to do so. The world reflects what we give out. If we fear then we are afraid & we retract into ourselves and away from the world. We move away from living. When we instead learn to open to living, to loving, then life is more exciting. When we live from love and open our hearts to our true potential instead of closing them down then life is very different. For when we learn to see ourselves and to love what we see…imperfections & all….then we will live a different life.
I am learning to love my meditation time. Something I never thought when I started playing with yoga as a practice was that I would get so much pleasure out of my quiet time. Being absorbed in the breath, in the stillness between the breath. The pause where the universe almost pauses to listen & you meet yourself. You meet who you are. Even if only a glimpse or a feeling it encourages you on your journey. We are scared of who we could be. I understand more about myself every time I spend time with myself. Quiet time. Solitude is not loneliness when you like yourself. I also understand that I will never know & understand the me that is constantly changing, so I need to learn to know that which does not change, the constant, that which resides within. The soul.
However in that journey to the inner me I am finding out more to love in the me that changes, the me I see as I walk in the world.
I learn that I am as fearful of success as of failure. Of notoriety as of being invisible. I would hate to be average but also I recognise my fear of actually pushing at the edges of my potential.
So who am I
I am constantly seeking to learn, to give & to share. To enjoy this life & discover that pleasure in the less obvious places as well as those society tells us are what we should be aiming for. My mind sees & seeks opportunity yet is also content where I am. I am happy being quiet & dancing on a podium. I find pleasure in snow & in sunshine. I am a contradiction!
Material possessions or lavish holidays don’t inspire me like the opportunity for excitement & a new venture. I am happy with less than I may have previously thought I needed. I find many people in a crowded mall quite claustrophobic yet can be very comfortable in a crowd at a festival. I love to dance yet also to sit in silence. I find beauty & majesty in architecture & that in nature. A castle as as much as a single blade of grass. My mind is quiet & spacious yet also busy & craving new challenges. I love seeing opportunities but no longer have the need to grab at every new exciting thing, instead often choosing to stay & indulge a little longer with where I am. For I am learning to be here, to be now, to be me.
I am learning to prove less & believe in myself more. with hindsight I am learning to forgive rather than to judge, to open rather than to restrict my future.
I am accepting that I don’t fit in, but that I probably would not want to. That those people who see my vulnerability as well as my strength & still love me are mirroring how I view myself. I learnt that freedom is for me having security. That having faith in myself is as much of a habit as self pity or giving up.
I am growing. I am discovering. I am eternal. I am love
I am me